Bad habit

It brings me pleasure in times of pain.
Helps me suffer through the strain.
I'm ashamed, but I’ve got nothing to hide.
It’s my gentle suicide.
Living is impossible without it.
Life just seems like a bottomless pit.
Nothing left to lose, anything to gain?
In the end, is it in vain?

It’s a habit I'm trying to stop.
It tires me. I'm ready to drop
So far down, to the bottom of the sea.
Why am I writing this soliloquy?

Possibilities

All alone in my room I stare
Notoriously long at the painting you gave me.
Unmoved for hours, like a lion in its lair.
Remembering the times that you care so unselfishly.
And there’s so much more that I’d like to know.
Do tell me one day? We need to hang out more!
Hand in hand as we struggle through it together.
And the sweet memories, cherished forever.

I did not realise

I cannot say I know what it feels like,
To wake up in your eyes and watch,
Watch as everything fell apart.
It must have been a nightmare. Maybe worse.
Like the gates of hell we opened and
You were chucked inside.

All I can do is sympathise to you.
This pen and paper, the only way I can say,
I'm sorry, for making you relive all that.
The horror, pain, suffering and shame.
I'm sorry for being selfish and inconsiderate.
Wanting only my heart to be fulfilled.
I'm sorry for complicating your heart.
I should have stopped from the start.
The last thing you needed was me.
Complicating the situation, impeding your privacy.
No wonder your bubble exists. It’s your safe haven.
To get away from it all. A place of solace.
Where calm and peace suppress
The anger, hate, all that’s inside.

It’s amazing, you’re only fourteen.
You’ve been through hell and your still standing.
It’s not luck but your determination.
Your determination to make things right.
To restore the balance, to get things
To the way they once were.

I thank you for sharing.
Your little tale with me.
Your courage has no bounds.
I'm sorry again
For the way things turned out.
But it’s not over. So
Stay strong, you’ll survive the surge.
And know that I'm there.
Should you have anything else to share.

A better person

You’ve been through a lot. Much more than me.
Deserving this Bacardi since you handled it so splendidly.
You say its stupid, but you didn’t seem to have a choice.
I know what it feels like, the distance, the lack of their loving voice.
Love’s a bitch, that I know.
So why not just going with the flow?

You’re smart, cute, pretty and sweet.
Your future is bright. The world is at your feet.
I'm sure one day you’d fulfil your heart.
Don’t be like me and give up from the start.

Mind Made Up

I was a fool not to see from the start.
You never felt anything right from the heart.
Although it close to impossible to let you go.
That I must do. It’s something I know.

Your mind was made up, a long time ago.
I know that I should have let you go before.
Before it brought me to this. This heartache, pain and abyss.
The ever distant feeling of an unforgettable first kiss.

Conversation in my mind

Hey hey how are you?
I’m writing this as I think of you.
Writing about it is the only thing I can do.
I hope that all in your bubble is well.
It’s a place where you constantly dwell.
Maybe some day you’d invite me. That’d be swell.

As for time, it just flies by.
It only seems like yesterday that we said “hi”
And to you tomorrow may spell “bye”
But can’t we just give it a try?
Or are we going to watch as the moment passes by?
Or end up laughing, while enjoying a slice of pie?

It seems that your all stuck with glue.
How u do it is too good to be true.

A fools love

Broken hearts only mend
with the angel that God will send.
Its been ages since I’ve felt,
The Royal Flush my heart was dealt.
When I started to know you,
You stuck to my heart like superglue.

I’ve seen your flaws, they’re not grave.
The dark, false, harm and cold
I don’t fear. It makes you gold.

Don’t be sorry for what you’ve done.
Our times together have been fun.
I'm the devil for not being honest from the beginning.
I wish you could be part of the other life I live in.
The fraction of you that I’ve gotten to know.
Made me choose emotion and go with the flow.
At a fork we now stand.
The choice to make is yours at hand.

I'm sorry its you my heart had to lance.
All I’m asking is for a chance.
I'm not like the others, let me show you.
Maybe one chilly morning, it would be true.

The Sahara

A sandy mass of land is what it is to most people see,
But the king of queens is what she is to me.
Cloudless, sunny skies throughout the year.
And yet I am consumed with fear.

She stretches across for many a mile.
The breadth of her personality, her cheery smile.
Things that other do not often see.
That within her lies inner beauty.

And when it rains she springs to life.
Desert animals are free from strife.
A few days where everything is in bloom.
With new vitality she seeks a groom.
A few days longer, then she’s back to her doom.

Untitled

You think that I'm over you.
But that is so not true.
If only you know what I feel for you.
But then, you do not have a clue.

And it’s always paining in my head.
How can I forget all these things I’ve said.
These feelings, things I should dread?
Each morning I ponder as another tear is shed.

Bleeding Confusion

Quite amazing is what it is,
The fact that I love you.
Even though I know,
That deep down inside
I must let you go.

Only wishing for that chance.
The one that never came.
Often I fall while opening my heart
Destined to fail right from the start.

Yet it is still so hard
To forget what I feel for u.
Making my head spin and spin
Pondering, in consciousness and sleep.
Why? What? If? And how?
Can you still be the one?

Why am I bleeding inside?

A Piece of my Mind (Part 2)

The struggle continues.
My mind aches.
Split in two.
Shattered, constricted,
Bruised and bleeding.
Why me?
What did I do?
Do I deserve this?

Daddy’s not spoken
in three weeks now.
And poor mum,
standing there alone,
helpless.
Bullets whiz by.
She is hit.
Tears of blood
She weeps.
Uttering a solemn cry.
“Peace”.

But you still want
this fight to go on.
I’ve told you
A million times now
You’re better than me.
But you rub it in.
Take no mercy.
Another willful sin.

Oh Please listen.
These tears I sob
its not for attention.
Just a plea.
A silent cry to you
to stop this
childish acts
of foolishness.

The hatred between us.
So great it is.
I can’t believe
were brothers.
More than brothers.
Were twins.
You are my
Flesh and Blood.
And yet you,
Destroy me.
Feasting on my
Dying body and
Spilling my blood.
Hurting others.
Just to strike me?
I don’t believe you.
How could you be so selfish?
Shameless, arrogant!
Uncaring.

It used to be me
who was like you
are now.
But it seems
That we’ve changed.

I wish
we could start over.
Not fight anymore.
Not compare.
Just get along.
Have fun.
Be like Twins.
The flesh and blood we are.
The once and the same.
But it’s not what I want.
You don’t listen anymore.
Open your heart and
hear my cry.
U don’t even
Give a fuck about
Mummy and daddy
No more.

So all I ask is that
You listen to me.
As I try and save this family.
Dad and mum have given up.
Only I can help you now.
All I ask is for an ear.
I plead for just one.
But my plea
falls on the deaf.
You’re too good for it.
And so you don’t listen.
Keeping this fight raging on.
Can’t you see
that I’ve given up.
I surrender.
You win.
That’s what u always wanted
But even that
You don’t see.
All I want
Is peace.
But you still treat me
worse than a piece of shit
your little bitch.
The unwanted child.
That’s all I am in your mind.
An asshole is what you’ve become
Reflect back and see.
What a perfect brother
You used to be.

Why me? I ask again.
Only I can stop it.
But what do I do?
As stubborn as you are.
I pray for you.
I pray for my
Hate, the jealousy.
Cus you are
Better than me.
And yet you don’t see.
My proclamation to thee.

This is the cross that I must carry.
and I pray to God to help me.
My faith grows weary.
As you draw further away.
Causing more torment.
Ripping the love.
The family.

I am weak.
Can’t you see?
Don’t exploit me.
Heaven help me.
Why have you abandoned me?
I pray for a miracle.
To come save us.
You, me mummy and daddy.
Yet my only reply is silence.

The pain.
It’s unbearable now.
My heart.
Set up a skew.
In the flames of hatred.
The torment. Torture.
You ripping it to pieces.
Why?
Why me?
God help me.
Help me stop.
Help me stop this misery.
I have no more.
No more blood left.
My wounds left open.
Attacked by you.
Weak and vulnerable.
My faith grows weary.
My God. My God.
Why have you forsaken me?

A Piece of my Mind (Part 1)

Sorry for Saturday once again.
It was something that I had to tell you.
When I least expected it
You came along, opening yourself to me.
Taking my breath away.

The easiest things would have been to be patient.
Let time reveal the answers.
Or use my reason over emotion once again.
And be left wondering “what if?”

This time. This time I didn’t settle for what if?
Because my heart would not let me sleep.
You stormed right into my heart,
filling in the void.
Left open to the elements for too long now.
Feelings I’ve only felt once before
when my heart was last secure.

But then life’s all about taking chances right?
And so, now you know.


It is indeed you that I’ve fallen for.